Robin Williams Had The Right Solution

A Challenge To Our President

Back in 2003 my son Brian was known as Staff Sergeant in the US Marine Corps.

He was stationed in Kuwait and Iraq at this time but forwarded Robin Williams'

solution to some of the United States' problems.

I think he came up with the perfect plan:

And I quote:

Robin said "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace.

So, here's one plan."

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present.

We will promise never to "interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea,

and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station those troops at our borders.

No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a

free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered and deported immediately, 

regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a 

special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there

change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't

need more cab drivers.

5. No "students' over age 21. The older one are the bombers. If they don't attend classes,

they get a "D" and its back home, baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include

developing non pollution sources of energy but will a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan

wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it we go someplace else.

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere'. They can pray

to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, mot of what we give

them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who reedit oat get very little anyway.

9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather

friends here. Besides, it (the UN building) would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for

illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly

Americans" any longer.

Now, ain't that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses."

She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?" 

***********

Brian  compiled the e-mails and stories sent to him and brought them back. We were also able to receive his phone calls. Much better than the letters I wrote on a piece of C-ration cardboard back

in 1968.

 

You Can't De-Bleach Stuff

De-bleach isn't even in the dictionary. Neither is de-dye, you have to re-dye stuff (hey, is that how Tie-Dye t's came about? All from a bleaching accident?) but I've never even tried that and since I'm such a dork about laundry and such I would never attempt it.

But I sure wish you could correct the bleach accidents. I was mopping my kitchen and dining room floor in my favorite lounging sweats. Pine Sol and a little bleach does a good job but I must have been a little sloppy because that afternoon the bottom of my sweats looked like a dog pooped all over them. They're black, by the way, and now black with a lot of brown spots.

And then I felt a little woozy. I must have scrubbed too hard and wore myself out.

We've all had accidents with the bleach. Nothing like bright pink underwear. I have since learned to separate the colors from the whites. Aren't I proud!

I was pretty upset when my brand new jockies came out that way. We shopped at a popular discount store back in those days and picked up a bundle of jockey shorts (8 as I remember) that caught my attention. You've heard of, I'm sure, the Fruit Of The Loom brand? Quite popular. Well, this brand was a cheap spinoff called Room For The Fruit.

No, I'm not kidding. The labels had pictures of fruit. I think a couple of Kiwi's and a banana. But that was a while back so I could be wrong. They kinda wore out pretty fast. I figured they were made in Tahiti or somewhere like that.

But back to the bleach. You should have seen my finger tips. Man is that stuff caustic. You want to be careful what you mix it with and how much you use.

My other laundry problem is that all these new and improved, highly concentrated laundry detergents don't work any better than the originals. I still have problems with the old stains and spots on my undies. So I stopped believing those ads and get my detergent from the $ollar Store.

So I think I've got this laundry thing licked.

************************************************

Since this is such a short story, Tahiti reminded me of my daughter's favorite blond joke. (Yah, she is a blond.)

Anyway, this good looking blond found out one day that she had won her state's lottery. Oh, was

she over the moon. Her dream was to always visit Tahiti so she booked the flight.

The big day came she got all gussied up and rushed onto the airplane and plopped down in the 1st Class section with a big grin on her face. She turned to the gentleman next to her and squealed, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Tahiti!"

The 747 soared into the air and after it had leveled off a stewardess came around to check the passenger's seating assignments. She discovered that the young lady wasn't assigned to 1st Class and told her that she would need to move back to the economy class.

"No, no, no!, she exclaimed. "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Tahiti!"

Well, this went on back and forth for a while and the stewardess announced that she would have to get the Captain to handle this. She told him what had been going on for the past ten minutes and he assured her that he would take care of it.

The stewardess was hailed by another passenger but was still able to watch the pilot Captain bend down and whisper in the blond's ear. Suddenly the adamant young lady gathered her things and rushed to the back of the plane.

"My goodness, Captain," the stewardess said in awe. "What did you threaten her with?"

"Oh, no threats. I just told her that 1st Class wasn't going to Tahiti."

THEY CALLED ME "DOC"

HOW I GOT MY UNUSUAL CALL SIGN

If there is one thing I've treasured both during my time in the Army and all of the years since

it's the nickname "Doc". I don't doubt that all of the other Doc's in the military, whether true

MD's or ground pounder medics like myself, feel much the same. It's a nickname that denotes

respect.

In addition to "Doc" I had an unusual radio call sign that one might wonder about it when they

read some of the stories coming up. My call sign was "Malpractice" and I'll tell you how I came

to adopt such a strange call sign. 

Way back in the summer of 1967 my Army unit, the 3rd Infantry Battalion of the 506th Infantry

Regiment of the 101st Airborne Division based at Ft. Campbell, Kentucky, was training in preparation for fighting in Vietnam. As a part of this training my battalion was pitted against the rest of the Division in what they call "War Games"

In this particular exercise we were designated the "Guerilla Force", the bad guys using the same

kind of tactics that the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese Army were using against our guys overseas. The other battalions were trying to locate us, ambush us, and capture us. We had blank

adapters over the muzzles of our M-16's and shot blanks at each other.

Colonel John C. Geraci, our battalion commander, was designated "Mal Hombre" and there were

wanted posters for "Mal Hombre"  posted in the town of Corbett, Tennessee. Somehow another unusual nickname was assigned to the Sargent Major and that was "Mal Function". But

to be fair to the Sargent Major I'm sure that was all in jest. So to follow along in the spirit of things I came up with "Malpractice".

During our training over those long, hot summer months, veteran Vietnam NCO's told us that it

was not uncommon for the enemy to get on our radio frequencies and try to coax a medic or 

soldier to answer a fake distress call and force them to give away their position searching for

the phantom WIA. But the enemy used the generic call signs like "medic" and "bandaid".

I remember lying in the bushes one night on my watch and hearing some VC or NVA whispering

"Medic. Medic. Help. Me". Whoever it was knew we were in the area but not exactly where.

So our medics were encouraged to come up with a different designation.

The first benefit of the "Malpractice" call sign was that this was a hard word for Orientals to

pronounce correctly and the second benefit evolved that not only my platoon buddies knew it

but so did many of the other troops when I was sent in to take over when their medic went down.

I doubt if any of them ever knew my first name.

We Were Wanted Men

Did you know that certain members of a platoon had a bounty on their heads? They were the

Platoon Leader, the RTO (Radio Telephone Operator), and the Medic. Knock these guys off

and that platoon is in a world of hurt.

A Little History

Let's go back to the beginning of my military experience. I joined a reserve Mash unit between

my junior and senior year of High School. So upon graduating in 1965 I was immediately sent

to Ft. Ord, CA for basic training. After that eight weeks I reported into Ft. Sam Houston, Texas

fo another eight weeks of basic medic training. 

Suffice it to say it was like going through a Red Cross first aid course. Oh, we did learn 

how to give injections and perform "short arm" inspections. But, there was no Emergency Room rotation or ride along in an ambulance. It was a totally bloodless experience. 

I returned to Spokane and worked various jobs until the I became restless and enlisted into 

the Regular Army in February of 1967. I was in Jump School in April and then on to the

101st.

We Changed The Future

I must interject here that both today's Paramedic program and the Physician Assistant programs

that are now common place and accepted by both the medical profession and the general public

evolved from the experiences, expertise, and independent duty of the combat medics who served

in Vietnam. Today's MediFlights evolved when a stretcher was attached to the skids of a Bell Ranger Helicopter in the Korean War. Just watch the intro into the much beloved television show "MASH". (I've jumped from and ridden in beaucoup helicopters but I wonder what the ride must have been like for the  poor wounded grunt laying outside the chopper. Do you think any of them thought to themselves "Man, what a view!")

My Heroes

The "Medivac" or "Dustoff" chopper crews in Vietnam were my heroes. (Ok, the Huey crews

that extracted me and my team when we were in deep doo-doo were my heroes too!) It wasn't 

uncommon that the choppers with the big red crosses came down in what was called a "Hot LZ", LZ standing for landing zone. A Hot LZ means that these brave pilots and medics were sitting down in the middle of a fire fight (battle) when we had really critically wounded kids. They were taking fire when they hovered just above the ground long enough for four or five guys to load a wounded buddy or two.

Minimal Training

I can't say that medics fresh out of Ft. Sam in that day and age were highly qualified professionals. But there is a system in place in the Army that brings people up to speed in whatever specialty they were schooled in. That system is call "On The Job Training" or "OJT" for short. The philosophy of OJT is that if you throw a guy into the thick of things long enough something of value is bound to stick. Luckily for the medics of the 3/506th Battalion we had a topped notch Battalion Surgeon who continued our training as we prepared to ship out to Vietnam.

Advanced Training

The Currahee (which means the "Stand Alone Battalion") medics went through the same combat

and guerilla warfare training classes and exercises that all of the paratroopers in the Division went through. We qualified with a number of different weapons, rappelled from cliffs and choppers, and made combat jumps from 800 feet with full combat gear.

We also attended classes written and conducted by Dr. Andrew Lovy from Minneapolis/St. Paul,

Minnesota. Doc Lovy was not only an eye surgeon but also the first Osteopathic doctor to be 

commissioned in the US Army. My first impression was that no one would think that this

gentleman would ever jump out of airplanes, wear OD green fatigues, and eat out of a canteen cup. He surprised us all with his dedication to make us the best medics he could.

Our OJT occurred in the surrounding woods of Ft. Campbell, the Okefenokee Swamps of Georgia, and the Appalachian Mountains of East Tennessee. We treated snake bites, the beginnings of jungle rot (the skin breaks down when you spend a week in swamp water), 

broken bones, twisted knees and ankles, and diahrrea. During this time our confidence and abilities increased and, knowing that our unit would soon be in a hostile environment, we knew we could take care of our guys.Training along side the other troopers and caring for them during this time we earned the right to be called "Doc.

OUT TO SEA

Our training continued aboard the USS Weigel after the entire battalion boarded this troop

ship in the Oakland Harbor in September of 1967. There were 36 medics in the Medical

Platoon and we rotated working in the Dispensary during the 22 day voyage. (Don't dare

call it a "cruise". The food sucked not to mention the salt water showers.)

We viewed World War II films of medics in action and we even saw a film of how to deliver 

a baby (blush, blush). Remember that we were just seventeen, eighteen and nineteen year olds and back in those days and "we were saving ourselves" for the right gal. You're probably laughing right now but "Flower Power" and "Free Love" wasn't in full swing in the most of

cities and towns me and my buddies came from.

It was on this ship that I learned how to suture and do minor surgery. This is very advanced

training for a field medic but it served us well in many instances during our tour in Vietnam.

Doc Lovy knew that he wouldn't be by our side when troopers were struck down by bullets

or flying shrapnel or stepped on a booby trap and he wanted us to be able to perform our duties and handle the most severe cases to the best of our ability.

Our Mission

The primary responsibility of a combat medic, and this may surprise some readers, is to

"maintain the fighting strength of the unit". It's not our first priority to Medivac anyone

with minor wounds or injuries. There is no "injury time-out" in combat or on a combat mission.

We treated the sick and lightly wounded and carried on. And our troopers were tough kids and

they wanted to keep "drivin' on".

It didn't take long before I realized what an awesome responsibility us medics have. One medic

was assigned per combat platoon throughout the companies within the battalion.The platoon

strength at Ft. Benning ranged between 30 and 35 members. We were IT for these guys. We

were their doctor for the duration and we checked on our guys when "take 10" was called.

We dispensed the anti-malaria pills in the morning and evenings and handed out aspirin for

aches and pains. We carried a lot of pharmaceuticals so that we could treat coughs and colds,

constipation and diarrhea, allergic reactions, and alleviate pain with pills and morphine surrettes.

We carried Serum Albumin (a blood expander) and D5W intravenous fluid in 500 liter bottles.

Doc Lovy taught us how to use intracath needles that wouldn't pull out as easily as the standard butterfly. You can't imagine how rough it is for four guys to carry a wounded buddy with a make shift stretcher and their gear to the nearest LZ. And how painful it was for the downed trooper.

 The guys in our platoons had faith in us. They knew that should they become ill or wounded

that there was a Doc who knew his stuff, cared about him, and would do their damndest to

get them to safety and, ultimately, home.

We Were Also Riflemen

Unlike the medics in previous wars we were all trained riflemen. How those medics ran around

with arm bands and that stupid red cross target on their helmets unarmed is beyond me. When I

was in Vietnam I was armed to the teeth and I felt naked without my M-16. My hats off

to those guys and one of them was my uncle George who was a Naval Corpsman with the Marines on Guadacanal.

We had to willing and able to protect ourselves and the wounded should it come down to that.

Happy To Be Home

  

IT WAS AN HONOR

Being a combat medic is an awesome responsibility for a teenager. But is was also an honor.

To earn that kind of respect and to be relied upon in the heat of battle is humbling.

If it weren't for the additional training we were so fortunate to receive from such a dedicated professional I don't know if we could have done the kind of job that the medics of the 3rd of the 506th did. A lot of boys, seriously wounded kids, came home and for that I am very thankful and proud that us Docs did our job.

Dedicated to Captain Andrew Lovy who was wounded during a rescue mission for injured paratroopers.  

Terrence Plank (AKA Malpractice)

P.S. My son and daughter have encouraged me to post the stories that I sent to Brian when he was serving with the Marines in Kuwait and Iraq in 2003. 

I would love to read your comments about the stories on Muzzle Your Mouse.

Letter to My Grand Niece Sarah

I'm writing this letter on my blog so that I can add a few pictures related to the story I am going to tell my 7 year old grand niece, Sarah.

Hi Sarah,

I hope that you really enjoyed being a part of "The Wizard Of Oz". Your grandmother tells me that you had to practice two hours a day. Wow! That's a lot of work but I bet it was worth it. You will have to write me and tell me all about it.

What was the most fun for me in High School were the extra curricular activities like acting in plays, singing with groups, and working on the yearbook. One year the drama class put on the play "Winnie The Poo". We even performed at the Fox Theater downtown a number of times on Saturday mornings so a lot of kids in Spokane got to see it.

Can you guess what part I played?

It wasn't Winnie or the Owl. And Kanga is a mom so I didn't play that part. Nope, not a rabbit. And I was too big to play piglet. Give up?

Would you believe I was Eeyore? Did you know that Eeyore's favorite foods are thistles?

Anyway, what this story is about is the costume that I had to wear. Since Eeyore is an old gray donkey the costume suit was gray flannel. Very hot, particularly under the lights, so I wound up just wearing my underwear. Seriously, I sweated buckets in that thing.

It didn't make sense to crawl on stage and a two person costume would be too big so the front feet were glued onto two broom stick handles cut down to the length of my forearms. Since they had to be taped with masking tape I had shave my arms before every performance. Now when I bent over with the new front feet my back was straight and I was about waist high to everyone else on stage.

The head was big and heavy. Now imagine me all bent over walking on my hands and feet. It wasn't possible to get my head up to see where I was going so a square was cut in the neck and a screen put in. I had to follow chalk lines drawn on stage as certain cues had me moving from one point to the next. Actually, we used the alphabet so my first movement was to point A and then on to B, etc.

With my head down I had to really project my voice so the audience could hear me. Do you know how to project your voice Sarah? 

MISERABLE! MISERABLE! Those were the first two words I grumbled everytime I came on stage.

We put the play on Saturday Mornings at the Fox and took it to some grade schools. One of those mornings at the theater my friends led me out to the lobby to say Hi to the kids. All of a sudden I felt someone poking me in the butt. Poke, poke poke. "Here's your tail, Eeyore," some kids Mom said. My tail was snapped onto my costume and somehow it came off and the lady was trying to get it snapped back on. You don't think some kid pulled my tail off, do you? Naw, that wouldn't happen. LOL

So that's the story of me as Eeyore and that really, really hot costume. Hope you got a laugh out of it.

Here's a Valentine from Piglet to you, Sarah.

Take care, sweetheart, and I'll see you this summer.

Love,

Great Uncle Terry

                   

Bed Making For Guys

Bed Making For Guys

Guys aren't really great at bed making so my recommendation is DON'T!

Now I've had a great deal of experience making beds. At the age of 18 I was working as an orderly at Sacred Heart Hospital in Spokane, Washington. You can bet I learned how to make the hospital corners and nice looking beds so as to pass inspection by the head nurse. My first Drill Sargeant before I went into the Army.

As an aside, I really don't like laying in a hospital bed with really tight hospital corners.
My toes turn blue.

After high school I went straight into the Army taking basic training at Ft. Ord, California. The challenge was to make up these 3" mattress bunks so tight that you could bounce a quarter off the top blanket. By golly, much to my surprise we could actually do that.

Then came inspection time. We were all looking forward to passing inspection and getting a pass into town. This was at the end of our sixth week and we hadn't hardly been outside of the training area.

Imagine a large bay with fifteen bunk beds running down each side of this large space.
Can you see sixty guys in dress greens standing at attention to each side of their bunk?
Their black shoes are so shined that you can see the reflection from the ceiling. We were looking pretty darn sharp.

The Company Commander and the Sargeant Major are our inspectors this day and they begin the inspection one taking a side. As they get closer to where me and my bunk buddy were waiting we start hearing "Not good enough!" coming from the Sargeant Major.

We take a quick glance at each other wondering what the heck was "not good enough".
"These bunks aren't tight enough," we heard the old soldier say. That remark sure surprised me because we were all pretty proud of the quarters bouncing test.

Unfortunately the top NCO of the battalion was coming my way. The next bunk flunked the test and now I was really getting nervous. Darn it! I wanted to see what a town in California looked like.

Sure enough I flunked the bounce test too. I took a quick look at my top bunk just in time to see the Sargeant Major quickly swipe up a silver dollar. Boy did I have to bite my tongue.

"What are you looking at soldier!"

"Nothing Sargeant Major," I choked out.

What the heck were we supposed to do? Tighten the sheets and blankets so tight that the mattress would look like an upside down hot dog bun!

So no weekend pass for us and come to find out the entire company had to stay on post. I honestly don't think there was a weekend pass to be had but to make sure we flunked that old soldier pulled a fast one on us.

To make a long story short I've made up a heck of a lot of beds.

So why am I recommending that guys don't make their bed. Well, it all comes back to what a girl told me once.

"Men are just horrible," she began. "You're hairy, you're stinky, and you're just plain gross!" "Stinky, stinky, stinky!!!" (Not that I had any idea of what she was ranting about.)
Well if we're all that then why would we want to leave our chest hair or back hair on the sheets and fill the bed up with "stinky". Wouldn't it just be better to "air" the bed out instead of making it?

Ah, but you have to do this just right guys. You can't leave the blankets and sheets all jumbled up and half on the floor. Oh no. What you do is get everything straightened out and then do an accordion fold to the end of the bed. That's the sheet and blanket together in case your were wondering.

Smooth the bottom sheet out and wipe off whatever you might have left there during the night so that it looks nice and clean. (Then I recommend you wash your hands.)

What's cool about that is when you get in bed the next time you just reach down and pull everything up just as neat as you please.

Airing the bed out makes a lot of sense to me.

The Gals Get the Diamond Ring, the Guys Get the Wooden One or Why Men Die Sooner Than Women

When my wife and I worked in independent retirement facilities we quickly noticed that 75 to 80% of our residents were widowed women. And since it is a fact that men die sooner than women and I think I know the reason that this happens.

IT'S THE TOILET SEAT!

Think about it. Ever since John Clapper invented the flush commode there has been a battle between the sexes about the damn toilet seat. Heaven forbid the guy that forgets to put the seat down and in the middle of the night the wife gets a butt bath. His next day and many days hence are not going to be pleasant for him I can assure you. I speak from experience as you can tell.

Now, really, how ridiculous is this whole argument about whether or not the toilet seat is up or down. Why can't women learn this life saving procedure of putting the seat down themselves. It worries me (sorta) that women put themselves in danger by not looking to see if the seat is up or down when they hurry into the bathroom, plop down and play waterfall. Heck, don't they ever worry that there might be a great big, hairy, fangy spider sitting on the edge of the commode just waiting for her?

OK, you're scratching your head wondering how the heck putting the seat up and down all of the time shortens your guys' life. Well, think about it. As a young guy he probably raises the seat and puts it down five or six times a day with mom's constant urging and training. Then let's say he has a live in girlfriend prior to marriage so now he's putting the seat up and down eight to ten times a day.

During all the years of marriage with a wife and maybe a daughter or two he's constantly putting the seat up and down like it's a piston or something. And if he forgets, god forbid, he has to face the wrath of all the ladies of the house.

As a man ages there comes a time in his life that he's using the bathroom more often and now the seat-putting-up-and-down chore doubles to eighteen to twenty times a day. Sheesh, no wonder his back gives out not to mention the strain on his heart.

Reminds me of a story I heard about the wife who took her aging husband to the doctor and after the exam the doctor asks to talk to the wife. She goes into his office and sits down. "Now, Mrs. (chose a name) your husband's health is not as good as it could be. I have prepared a list of things that you can do to help improve and extend his life and if you follow these suggestions I'm sure Mr. (I forgot the name you chose) will be doing fine when I see him again in six months.

She takes the list and reads it.

1. He must have three nutritious well balanced meals a day.
2. You must walk with him a minimum of 20 minutes three times a day.
3. He should have sex anytime he wants when he's able.
4. Help him with his chores so that he doesn't tire easily.
5. Be sure that the medications I have prescribed are given exactly as the directions indicate.
6. Let's not worry about the toilet seat at this stage. As you should know the up and down action that men have to go through their whole lives has caused a deterioration of the lumbar spine. It's a medical fact that this shortens men's life expectancy and we don't want that at this stage in your husbands life. As a matter of fact, you might have noticed how red in the face he gets with this little chore and that could mean an elevation in his blood pressure, not to mention an increase in intercranial pressure, and this could lead to a stroke or a heart attack.
7. Make an appointment six months from today before you leave the office.

She looks up at the doctor but doesn't say anything. "So, any questions?" the doctor asks. She looks down at the list and then back up at the doctor and responds, "No, I don't think so. It's pretty well decided."

"Very good," says the doctor and escorts the lady to the waiting room and bids the couple farewell.

In the car on the way home hubby says, "Well, honey, what did the doctor say?"

Without a moments hesitation the wife says, "You're going to die."

Now that's cold! That's colder than a copper toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg, if you ask me. I'm sure there were a number contributing factors to the wife's reaction but I betchya that the clincher was the toilet seat. She's not going to ever lose this battle no matter the consequences.

I'm convinced that this life long repetitive action and constant stress and emotional pressure on a man shortens his life span. So, if you are a gentleman reading this post you might want to think about how to save yourself. And no, taking the toilet seat off is not the way to go! Already thought of that and that could be certain death no matter what your age.

Now the ladies reading this post shouldn't be too upset. I am so well trained that the toilet seat is still going up and down even though I live alone.

My Doctor Yelled At Me!

I am so upset I can hardly tell you what happened yesterday. My doctor actually yelled at me. I've never seen anyone get so red in the face, especially a professional, and so livid. He was so loud that his nurse came running into the examination room to find out what the heck was going on.

But in my defense I have to say that I was not at fault here. 

So here's the story. It was time for my annual physical and like a lot of folks I am battling a bit of a weight problem. After all of the blood tests came back last year my doctor warned me about the high cholesterol, the slightly elevated blood pressure, elevated sugar in my urine and all the rest of that stuff that doctors go on and on about. You know, you've been there.

Taking his advice seriously I went on the internet and looked up the Food Pyramid. I wanted to follow good eating habits and eat the right foods every day. Since the Food Pyramid was put out by the Food and Drug Administration then this is probably something people should pay attention to. Of course, I did find that it wasn't that easy. Who can eat five servings of vegetables in one day?

Where do you find a cereal made strictly from vegetables? Are we supposed to have a broccoli sandwich for lunch? It's a bit difficult, isn't it.

So I studied the requirements of the food pyramid and started out with fruit juices. Now everyone knows that Hawaii grows great fruit so I put Hawaiin Punch on my shopping list. A couple of glasses of that a day should help.

I wanted to cut down on my sugar and I heard that corn syrup is nothing but sugar so I threw out the Karo Corn Syrup that my grandmother always had on hand and bought Log Cabin Lite Syrup instead. A couple of bottles of that should help.

Everyone talks about how bad red meat is for you so I didn't buy any at all and I've cut down on the $5.00 box at Taco Bell to just twice...ok, three times a month. So that has really cut down my red meat intake.

Pasta is good for you and Top Raman is all about pasta so I would buy a case of that a month. For other starches I stopped getting french fries and got tater tots instead because they look a lot more like little potatoes. Don't you agree?

You are supposed to have dairy products on your diet but not too much so I cut down from four eggs at breakfast to two. I figured hard boiled eggs in a salad for lunch were ok because they weren't runny. So that's a point for me because you get dairy and vegetable at the same time.

I had to give up any kind of candy and the pyramid told me that nuts are good for you. Since I love Paydays that wasn't any problem...they're full of nuts. The individual pecan pies are just right for a single person and they're full of good nuts too so I was getting a box of each every month. Good stuff.

For exercise I increased my trips to the frig from 10 to about 20 times a day and that's a lot of exercise for me so more points in my favor.

Now I really didn't feel like I had lost any weight over the year and my pants were a bit tight but they probably shrunk in the dryer so when it came time for my next physical I was feeling pretty positive about everything.

I reviewed the Food Pyramid and I was satisfied that I had my fruit everyday; dairy wasn't a problem; I was a little weak on the veggies but, heck, even tacos have tomatoes and lettuce; the starches were covered, and I was getting plenty of protein from all of the nuts consumed.

The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure. Of course they never tell you anything, even if you ask, but for some reason she wasn't as friendly as she was just a few moments ago when she led me to the examination room and told me to strip to my underwear and put on that stupid paper gown.

I waited and waited and finally my doctor shows up. He has the results from the blood tests that I had to have done prior to the physical and the weight and blood pressure readings that the nurse took.

"I thought that we had discussed you going on a diet the last time I saw you," he began.

"I did go on a diet, doctor. I've been following the Food Pyramid as closely as I can for the whole year," I replied.

"Ok. Tell me about the foods you've been eating that follow the guidelines of the pyramid."

So, I told him. And then he started yelling. I don't understand. The government puts out these really hard to follow guidelines and you try to follow them and then your doctor yells at you!

No wonder Americans are fat. I think it's a government conspiracy don't you?

Good Luck on Your Diet,

Terrence Plank
http://www.gogreenautomatedbusiness.com/